When the Circle is Empty

I have had several comments on the posts about girl friends from ladies who are at a time in their lives where their circle of friends is very small — or even nonexistent.  For these women, going out for coffee isn’t always possible.  The facts are, we all will probably have a time in our lives where our circle of friends is empty.

When I was twelve our family had a circle of friends that were very close.  We had been friends for years through our church.  Yet when we moved to another church, our friends went a different direction.  We didn’t see them so often.  Now they are still our friends, but not nearly so close as they were before.  Following were three years where my friend base wasn’t that big.

During those three years, however, we joined the drama group for girls I have mentioned, and through that group, I made an entirely new circle of friends.  These were girls of all ages, while before they had been mostly younger than me.  The friends from those years are the friends that are closest to me now.  Also, when we began going to the church we attend currently, I met more girls and guys my age who became part of my circle.  But in order to reach this time of fullness in friendship, my circle had to be empty first.

Sometimes God takes certain things from us to keep Him as our first priority.  While it can be hard not having what it seems all other women and girls have — a great group of girlfriends — God is not allowing it arbitrarily.  He knows the longings of your heart. 

I had one girl write me with an opposite problem:  she had all girl friends, and no guy friends.  While I would definitely say that girls need to be your best friends, no matter what age you are, but girls can get petty and small at times, and in these times guy friends are refreshing.  She wanted to know if it was a natural desire to want to have young men as friends.  It is!  Titus was advised by Paul to treat the young women as sisters, and the young men as brothers — but he was not advised to avoid them.  As I said before, having young men friends will help you understand how they think when you enter the courtship age.  For this particular girl, her desire was to expand her friend base in gender.  God knows that desire just like any other woman’s — and in His time, He will fulfill it.

Married women often say (and I believe they should) that their husband is their best friend.  When you are married, guy friends are unadvisable unless it is a ‘couple friend’, as in, two couples that are friends with each other.  Obviously, my mother does not have male friends just to chat with like she does my dad.  HE is her priority.  However, they do couple dates quite often with their friends.  She also has a few great girl friends she goes out with now and then.  But she doesn’t find her security in them, because if she did, when they left or had to move like our first circle, she would be crushed.  My father and God have to be her foremost friends, just like they have to be ours.

On the topic of friends is family.  I used to be desperate for friends while totally ignoring the fact that I had sisters.  Granted, I LIVE with my sisters, and not with my friends.  Sisters don’t always get along!  As time has gone on, however, we have become much better buddies.  There can still be some friction since we are very, very different.  For instance, Ella is the tomboy, lumberjack-gone-girly type; Autumn is the funky-layered-laugh-a-lot-   didn’tthinkthatwouldgotogether type, and I am the prissy-ultrafeminine-don’t-break-a-nail-type.  Somehow, we all ended up in the same house.  Yet your family is the first friend base you should have before all others.  Outside friends come after;  blood is thicker than water, you know.

Thus, there may be a time when you will not have the friend base you wish for.  Instead of evaluating yourself or your life in view of the number of friends you have, use this time to learn what it means for the Lord to be your best friend.  If you are married, then the Lord and your husband become your best friends.  There will still be a desire for girl friends who can understand certain things from a feminine perspective, but God will fulfill the desires of those who delight in Him (Ps. 37:4).  Trust your best Friend to fill your circle, and it won’t feel so empty anymore.


6 Responses

  1. I have here a darling 4 year old who is wondering what kind of sister-friend SHE is, oh big sister!
    Poor little sweetheart got left out of sissy’s blog!

  2. Hiya Phya!

    Hahahahahaha! I did it! That’s what you get for calling me a lumberjack-gone-girly! (Even though it’s true, but that’s beside the point). I think I’m all lumberjack anyway. 🙂

  3. Hey Phylicia!
    Why’d I call you Phylicia? I NEVER call you Phylicia! You’re PHY!! Anyway…
    I liked how you described me… and you ARE the “don’t break a nail” type! =) hahaha


  4. That’s a great post! Thanks for answering my email so quickly. It was a great help. The Lord has blessed you with great wisdom from above. The post above speaks to me in many ways, especially paragraph 5! 🙂 Thanks…Vanessa

  5. Good one, Phy!! It’s the same exact way with me… when we moved, I only had my sisters and brothers. It is so very important to cultivate good relationships with them. Now I’m wondering what kind of person I am. lol.

  6. Dear Phylicia,
    I like your entry here. *smile* My sister and I will always be friends if for no other reason than that we understand where the other gets such interesting ideas and views because we have known eachother deeply and personally for our entire lives, but my husband and I are learning deeply about one another as well and he is my second best friend. God is my first, then my husband. I enjoy my time with God, it is usually a growing experiance when I stop to listen. *smile* To want a kindred spirit doesn’t leave my heart though. I don’t care her age, but another lady who loves God first and then her husband second yet still has time to be a friend is always longed for. To know that there is one gal I can call when something excyting happens or when nothing at all is going on. That she will understand when I am growing in God and when I am venting to get my thoughts out. We all grow and change yet God always stays the same and is growing us to be like Him. For that I am greatful. *smile* I have found that bloging is a fun new way to make friends as everyone is so busy in life and in the land of bloging people get on and “write” when they have a chance. Thereby making the time for others. I have been involved all over the place, but I get worn out and squeezed clean out of energy and passion for reaching out. So, now I am getting a different mind set and that is to be a witness to our two little ones and if others want to join in, GREAT, but if they are simply too busy, than that is their choise. *smile* As I hear quite often, that is the way life goes. *smile* When I focus on God I am more than content to be home with our little ones every day. When I try to do what I THINK God wants me to do, I get warn out and frusterated that it’s not being recipricated. Not now, I am making time for God first and thereby making time for His will in my life. If He would have me go and do, then I go and do, if He would have me call someone just to say hello, then I do that, otherwise I know He has given me a home and family for a reason and for that I am eternally greatful. *smile* I ought to close now. But I do hope you are well in body and growing in spirit. Take care and remember to pray always.
    Harvest blessings. -me-(Mommy of two little blessings)

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