The Valentine Conspiracy

valentineValentine’s Day is nothing more than a marketing ploy.  That’s my consensus on the matter.  By appealing to women’s hearts and men’s pocketbooks, the nameless faces on Wall Street are forcing us to spend money, time, and emotions on a ridiculous, pointless day that nobody would even care about if it weren’t pounded into our heads that we should. 

Valentine’s Day was in fact contrived by a group of financing companies when they saw the economy going in the tank.  Taking a formerly-ignored holiday they managed to push its marketing to an extent that, with revenue from chocolate and heart-shaped candies alone, it has financed the entire stimulus bill.  That’s why it got passed yesterday.

Even more interesting, those financing companies run under false names:  Ghiradelli, Macy’s, Hershey, Starbucks, JC Penney and Victoria’s Secret, to name a few.  With a clever twisting of words and a plethora of deceiving commercials, these companies have taken the nation by storm — convincing the collective that you need to spend money on your “loved ones” on this particular day.  How interesting that the stimulus bill has been debated during this same week.  Coincidence?  I don’t think so.

As a staunch conservative there was no way Wall Street would snooker me into financing my own extra $13-per-week increase in salary.  What better way to keep the public in ignorance than to have them finance their own pay raise?  It keeps morale high while also filling the government’s black hole of a treasury.  Every Ferrero Rocher truffle is one more dollar into the dining room curtains at the White House.    How innocent that Godive box looks, yet within it lies the means of government control larger than we have ever known.

My patriotism inspired me to forego those wide-eyed sweets beckoning from the shelf at Walgreens.  I know the bankruptcy of the nation lies within their wrappers — so I walked on to the freezer section and picked out a half gallon of Baskin-Robbins instead.  For the sake of America I sat on my couch with a spoon and a box of kleenex, and Baskin and I watched While You Were Sleeping until midnight.  God Bless America!

And I hope He zaps February 14th off the calendar.

I wish I had a real reason to hate Valentine’s Day, but I don’t.  It’s one of those days that is nationally glorified, yet at the same time gloriously exclusive.  Whatever happened to tolerance?  Is there such thing as romantic racism?  I can see myself at the head of the Romantic Rights Movement, banging down the door of the Capitol with a heart-shaped picket sign declaring, “Singles For Equal Treatment!”  That one’s going in the history books.

It’s easy to throw a pity-party when you’re single on the most romantic day of the year.  You think you might find solace in watching Patrick Dempsey and instead find yourself throwing your slippers at the inevitable love interest that appears on the scene.  The fact that she’s always ugly as a horse, fat as a hippo and dressed like a bag lady doesn’t make it any easier to deal with.  She’ll probably have buck teeth and hair like Phyllis Diller too.  You’ll be convinced by the end that she didn’t deserve Patrick at all.  Being delusional has never been so beneficial.

Benefits are scarce for the single girl on Valentine’s Day.  You may try to think of all the people you love, but truth be told, no matter how much you love Aunt Bertha it’s not the same to kiss her as it would be with Prince Charming.  Maybe it’s because Prince Charming remembers to shave.  Whatever the case, counting your blessings can even be hard.  You may have to put some effort into it, beyond “I am thankful I am breathing.”  But that’s a start. 

Just start somewhere.  The government may be behind Valentine’s Day but we don’t have to get caught up in their trap.  Just because Wall Street says it isn’t alright to be alone among the cupids and love darts doesn’t mean we have to listen.  Go look up your friend Baskin Robbins and enjoy what you have now.  It only gets better from here!

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11 Responses

  1. […] A Quill and Inkwell added an interesting post on The Valentine ConspiracyHere’s a small excerptValentine’s Day is nothing more than a marketing ploy.  That’s my consensus on the matter.  By appealing to women’s hearts and men’s pocketbooks, the nameless faces on Wall Street are forcing us to spend money, time, and emotions on a ridiculous, pointless day that nobody would even care about if it weren’t pounded into our heads that we should. Valentine’s Day was in fact contrived by a group of financing companies when they saw the economy going in the tank.  Taking a formerly-ignored holiday […]

  2. I liked this post it was really good!!! ^^v
    I was never one of those people who got caught up in this holiday I didn’t even remember that it was today until my cousin told me! I agree with you 100%!!….. now if only I can find some Baskin Robbins ice cream here in Switzerland…..

    Many Blessings,

    Jamaican Princess

  3. Oh, that was funny 🙂 I love the picture 😉

  4. Awesome! So funny and so true! =-D Great picture!

  5. Yeah and that money from the box of chocolates that my father bought my mother is probably going ACORN right now! Oh gosh, we just funded Obama’s illegal campaign!

    Do me a favor and don’t come up with any theories for St. Patrick’s day ok? 😉

    Eric

  6. Funny stuff — you had me giggling more than once. 🙂 Good thing I live in Canada — I can eat all the candy I want without having to worry about funding Obama’s campaign. *sigh of relief*

  7. LOL…very well said… =)

  8. I couldn’t have said it better. And while Valentine’s does have noble origins, that is no reason to ruin it with commercialization. For that matter, you could argue that compassion justifies government spending!

    ARGH!!!!

  9. Well said Phylicia…Blessings~Sharon G.

  10. Great post, please post more soon ;-]

  11. So right. Glad I never get any valentine’s day candy that fund our corupt government and its media fluffed president…’sob’ no i’m not!

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